If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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