they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
