Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
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