I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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