I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
