i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
