I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
