Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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