Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
