i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
