To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Randomize
