I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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