What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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