good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
