I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
