update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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