that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
