He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
