I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
