We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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