Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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