then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
