Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
