Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
