You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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