Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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