you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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