then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
