I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
