I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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