i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
