the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
