I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We're too hungover to prance.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
