It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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