Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
