Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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