I'm so fucking centered right now
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
PANTIES FOUND
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
