I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
