you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize