How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
