Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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