His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
