ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
