I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
