Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
