this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I love having hate sex.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
