Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Green mimosas i think yes
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
