She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
