shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
