FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
