oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
