Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My bed is full of blood and feathers
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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