He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
