I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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