she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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