she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
