just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
