Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
