I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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