Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
