my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
